I can't believe Christmas is almost here! It still doesn't really feel like it at all. I'm not sure how I feel about this christmas yet, and I'm starting to think that I'm not going to like it too much. First of all, I have about $40 dollars in my bank account right now and a student loan payment coming up for $70. This means that I can't get christmas presents for anyone. This is especially hard when all your siblings get them for you and you have nothing to give back. I was very excited about working at Borders because that means I could get everyone books for christmas and use my employee discount, however employee discount does not equal free! Maybe I can buy christmas presents after new years.

So, what all have I been up to? Not too much. I'm going to be working about 39 hours (and that's supposed to be part time!) this coming week. Um, what else. Oh, last night my friend Meagan and I rode the metro into Hollywood and met a friend of mine who is living over there. We just walked around on Hollywood blvd and then ate dinner at this lebanese place. It was really good. I enjoyed learning how to use the public transit system too and hope to use it again sometime soon. I met a really interesting lady while I was riding named Amanda. She was visiting her boyfriend at a rehab center in Pasadena. It turns out her and her boyfriend had gotten in serious trouble with some cops for posession of cocaine. It was kind of a wake up call for her so they both entered programs to get clean. She was staying in L.A. some where and has been clean for 2 months. It was encouraging to hear her talk about how she realizes all of the bad choices she made and how now she can see her family again for Christmas since she's clean. Hopefully she can stay clean and get the life back that cocaine took from her.

Other than that fun adventure, I'm not to sure much else is going on. A new Jagen album might be in the making......I'll keep you updated.

Is not religion all deeds and all reflection, And what is neither deed nor reflection, but a wonder and a surprise ever springing in the soul, even while the hands hew the stone or tend the loom? Who can separate his faith from his actions, or his belief from his occupations? Who can spread his hours before him, saying, "This is for God and this for myself; This for my soul, and this other for my body?" All your hours are wings that beat through space from self to self. He who wears his morality but as his best garment were better naked. The wind and the sun tear no holes in his skin. And he who defines his conduct by ethics imprisons his song-bird in a cage. The freest song comes not through bars and wires. And he to whom worshipping is a window, to open but also to shut, has not yet visited the house of his soul whose windows are from dawn to dawn.

Your daily life is your temple and your religion. Whenever you enter into it take with you your all. Take the plough and the forge and the mallet and the lute, the things you have fashioned in necessity or for delight. For in revery you cannot rise above your achievements nor fall lower than your failures. And take with you all men: For in adoration you cannot fly higher than their hopes nor humble yourself lower than their despair. And if you would know God be not therefore a solver of riddles. Rather look about you and you shall see Him playing with your children. And look into space; you shall see Him walking in the cloud, outstretching His arms in the lightening and descending in rain. You shall see Him smiling in flowers, then rising and waving His hands in trees.
-Kahlil Gibran

I started my new job today at Borders. I started training at 6:30am and finished at noon. I think it's going to be a pretty fun job because the people I work with are cool. Unfortunatly the pay is pretty much crap. I gotta keep looking for a grown-up job. This post sucks.......sorry.

In the midst of strange feelings of being lost, a little lonely, and maybe a little depressed (?), I'm so thankful for amazing friends. I had a great day yesterday and owe it all to my friends. A whole bunch of us camp people went to Magic Mountain for the day. We had some amazing laughs especially after I thought we almost derailed on the old wooden rollar coaster. Lets just say I'm pretty sure I know what it feels like to become paralyzed. After MM we all had dinner together and then three of us (Troy, Flip and myself) went to Troy's place for an intense game of scrabble and the new Batman movie. I definatly fell asleep during the movie so I ended up just staying at his place and went to church with him at Mosiac in Pasadena (a church I've wanted to go to for a really long time). I'm pretty sure I found a church that feels like home. It's a church that is very focused on incorprating the arts into worship. They are also very active in social justice types of things which I love. I want to get really involved there. I guess I need to check out what type of opportunities there are. Check out their website if you want:

http://www.mosaic.org/

Last night I experienced a feeling that I don't think I've ever felt. Well, at least not in quite some time. I parked my car in the APU lot and reached for my cell phone. I had nothing to do, so I figured I would call someone to hang out with. As it turns out everyone I called was buried under piles of homework or reading that had to get done, so I decided to just walk to west campus. As I was walking I was hit with this strong feeling of not belonging. Me, a graduate, couldn't call APU his home anymore. As I thought about this, I realized that I really couldn't call anywhere home anymore. My whole life I have known what it was I'm supposed to be doing. I find myself now with no job, no home, no money. I'm living out of my car. I'm a vagabond, a nomad. And I don't really like it. It's a lonely and depressing feeling. Even when I'm with my friends still in school there is something different. They all have this one thing in common and now I'm the odd one out. My friends who are graduated belong in their new jobs, or new homes, or new marriages. Where do I belong? How do I cope with a feeling so foreign? All familiarity has been torn from my life. While this is somewhat of a dark feeling place, there must be some nook somewhere that is perfectly shaped to my life. I guess I just have to keep looking for it all the while embracing this new feeling.