I went to church yesterday. I went for myself and not because I had to take kids there for work. I haven't done that in so long. It made me feel like I've been missing something. When I look around and see where I am in my life, I'm coming to realize that each day I feel a little more disconnected from God. It really sucks.
After church, I went to a friend's house who lives in Pasadena. She just got a new apartment, but "new" would be the last word I would use to describe it. I LOVE IT. As we walked to her door, I felt like I needed a piece of chalk to mark on the walls where I had already been. I'm pretty sure I couldn't find it again on my own, even with a map. There were children's toys littering the courtyards, and posters with the little fringes on the ends that you tear off posted on every wall. The playground area had a small square of beautifully synthetic green grass each blade a clone of the previous. As I walked through the door of her place, I was slapped in the face with the smell of a new coat of paint that covered up the lives of the previous tenants. I took a quick tour then sat on the couch looking around. This is the very thing that I miss most about "normal" life. You have an apartment to call your own; that when you return from work, work is left behind you. You walk into your small kitchen and surprise your roommate with a bowl of freshly made mac n' cheese. You sit on the porch that you share with your neighbor and stare off into the empty lot next door admiring the old beat up car with broken windows. How funny that it sits right next to a brand new truck. The sun sets behind the mountains and you clean up your dishes before retiring to your room. You lay on your bed assured that you won't be woken in the middle of the night because one of your kids is having a problem.
Don't get me wrong. I love the work that I am doing, but I'm allowed to remember what life was once like...right?
life as it could be
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1 comments:
I feel like I'm reading my own journal a year ago. And its further weird cuz its my place, so it definitely feels like you just blogged my mind from a year ago to now.
It is perfectly fine to look forward to life outside of hillview, that's what is going to get you through...ultimately the kids are God's and you are in their lives for a season. And you won't carry their burden forever. So while you are there, soak up the privilege of loving them for this time. But eventually you can have a place where you can invite people over any time you want. And then get tired of them and wish they would go away :-)
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